The Forces Within
by Lumos1995
Summary: Nettie Kyrell was not naïve to the darkness in her galaxy. Her parents had fought on opposite sides of a galactic war after all, and they had been open about the cruel realities they'd faced. Master Luke had also frequently lectured his padawans on the dark side of the force, but nothing could have prepared her to look at Ben Solo and see nothing but hate in her friend's eyes.
1. Prologue

6 ABY

"She's beautiful," Thane said as he stared down at what had to be the most beautiful baby girl in the entire galaxy.

"You're beautiful," he added, looking up at undoubtedly the galaxy's most beautiful woman.

And they were both his.

Forever.

9 ABY

"You're not listening to me," Ciena said forcefully, her brow creased in a pattern that let Thane know he needed to take this seriously.

"Alright, alright. I am now," he said, hands raised. "Tell me again how our daughter managed to teleport a toy bantha across the room?'

The data pad smacked him in the temple before he had time to react.

"Ouch!"

"I'm _serious_ Thane Kyrell."

"So am I!–Seriously questioning your sanity," he muttered under his breath.

"What did you say?!"

His wife marched purposefully across the room, arms crossed tightly over her chest.

"This is the second time this week, and the fifth this month!" 

"And yet, somehow, I've failed to witness even one of these miraculous feats."

"Because you're either not here or you're not looking!" Ciena all but screamed.

"How convenient for you," he smirked.

"This isn't something I would make up Thane!"

"Ciena," he groaned, finally conceding he was not going to be able to laugh this one off.

"How many times are we going to have this argument?" This had become a recurrent conversation in the Kyrell home over the last 3 months and one he was becoming increasingly weary of.

"I'm not saying you're making it up," he said gently, ushering her into his open arms. "Have you considered that maybe you've been working too hard in the senate and it's causing you to… I don't know… see things?"

She sighed deeply. "Why can't you just _consider_ that maybe she's…"

"Maybe she's _what_ Ciena?"

He knew exactly what she meant of course. She'd implied it more than a few times, but neither one of them could bring themselves to say it out loud. Thane had spent his whole life denying its existence; refusing to believe that anything other than his own mind exerted control over his actions.

To admit that their daughter could do the unexplainable meant admitting that the galaxy was far larger, more mysterious, and more complex than he already knew it to be. It also meant admitting that there was something he could not provide for her; something he could not protect her from. And that scared him almost as much as losing her completely.

* _CRASH_ *

The noise startled Thane from his thoughts, and he rushed behind Ciena to the adjacent room, only to run straight into her back.

"Thane, look," Ciena whispered sternly, holding out her arm to prevent him from entering the den completely.

"What?"

"Look," she said again, nodding over to the bookshelf that once held holos and mementos from days gone by.

The grip on his arm tightened as he realized that only one item lay shattered on the ground. The rest floated freely in mid-air, as if held in place by some invisible –– _force._ At the bottom of the shelf stood the chubby, red-headed, freckle-faced toddler, who had apparently stumbled into it after waking from her nap.

Thane watched, mouth agape, as each item slowly returned to its original place. The little girl spotted them then and happily ran over to greet her parents with kisses and hugs, as if nothing out of the ordinary had just occurred.

As they stared at each other over their daughter's mop of curly hair, Thane could see the question burning in his wife's eyes. It wasn't a mocking, "do you believe me now," but rather a pleading, "what are we going to do?"

"Well, Wynett Jude Kyrell. You just managed to make our lives a bit more complicated, didn't you?"


	2. Chapter 1: Torn

Chapter 1

 _Side step to the right. Now the left. Hold the saber high, but protect your face. Sense his next movement. Counter it. Find your opening. Now, strike._

All of these thoughts ran through Nettie Kyrell's head as her opponent stumbled back after the tap he'd received on his left bicep.

Had she really just struck him? Had she swung too hard? Where was he today anyway? A maneuver as simple as that could rarely be pulled over Ben Solo. They'd practiced these techniques easily a thousand times by now. How could he have not seen that coming?

"Well done Kyrell," Master Jacen Syndulla called from the other side of the training dome. "Focus Solo."

Nettie saw something flash in her friend's eyes, but it was gone as soon as it had appeared, replaced by the stoic façade most knew him for. Few ever saw behind that mask he wore, but for some reason he had allowed her in. The fact that they were apprenticed to the same master had certainly helped, but she often felt that Ben showed her a side of himself not even Jacen or Master Skywalker were privy to.

Ben advanced then, manipulating his practice saber in a way only he could. The precision and power he was able to maintain when he intently focused always amazed her. The problem recently was that his mind always seemed to be somewhere else.

Their blades met in a shower of sparks. While the practice sabers did not carry the same lethal capacity as a true light saber, they were identical in every other sense, allowing them to serve as the perfect training weapon. That being said, she and Ben were both counting down the days to when Jacen would take them to the caves to earn their kyber crystals, which they would use to construct their very own light sabers. She couldn't help the hint of jealousy that flashed through her knowing that Ben only had to wait a day more.

She reached out with her mind then, trying to sense Ben's next movement. She was surprised by the rush of emotion she encountered. Jedis were trained to remain calm in battle, never allowing their personal feelings to cloud their judgment. What she sensed in Ben was subtle and probably would have gone unrecognized by a fellow padawan who had not trained with him as much as she had. But his frustration was palpable, and layered beneath it was more than just mild annoyance. There was anger there, and it was causing his concentration to crack.

Nettie quickly found her opening, applying enough force on Ben's blade to quickly propel her body around and land a strike to his right calf.

"Argh," she heard Ben cry out under his breath. She was immediately torn between wanting to console him and wanting to yell at him to get his head back in the game.

"Alright, Solo, I think that's enough for today," Jacen said on a sigh. "Nice work Kyrell."

"No. I'm not finished," Ben retorted. Repositioning himself five paces in front of her.

"Yes. You are," their master said firmly. "Drop the blade Ben."

Nettie recognized that look in Ben's eye and was only slightly surprised when she found his saber clashed against hers once more. Whatever she had sensed in him before was gone, and at least for a moment, her partner had returned. They moved then in a dance she knew only the two of them were capable of. They had been perfecting these techniques for months and had been excited to finally demonstrate them to Jacen today. She risked a glance at him and saw that while Ben would certainly be disciplined for his defiance, the young master was impressed by the talent displayed before him.

Jacen was only seven years her senior and six years ahead of Ben, but at twenty he was the highest ranking Jedi at the academy. He had been among the first padawans Master Skywalker had trained, and with an increasing number of force-sensitive children presenting at the temple each year, Luke was in desperate need of assistance. Overall, Jacen had proven to be a good master. He was young, and still had a lot to learn himself, but he was dedicated to his padawans, and Nettie knew she was lucky to have been chosen by him.

It had been no surprise when Jacen selected Ben as his first padawan nearly two years ago. Though Ben had begun his Jedi training later than most at ten years old, he had quickly risen to the top of his class in the two years leading up to his Initiate Trial. There had been much debate, however, over who the young master would choose from her year. The fact that he was taking on another padawan so soon suggested he must have someone specific he desired to train. Nettie would never forget the sound of his voice calling her name from the crowd nor the words he had whispered in her ear as he knelt before her: " _I sense a deep wisdom and a mighty strength within you young one"._ Every day for the past year she had made it her goal to live up to those expectations.

Nettie was suddenly pulled from her thoughts as she sensed a faltering in her partner's concentration. She acknowledged she had a rare ability to maintain complete focus on multiple tasks at once, but even so she had to be careful to not get too lost in her thoughts. Focus, however, was one of Ben's, admittedly few, shortcomings, especially as of late. She sensed that subtle anger flaring up in him again, but his eyes remained clear of it as they flashed towards their master to see if his hesitation had been noticed. Nettie could see then how much this meant to him. For whatever reason, proving himself to Jacen today meant more to Ben than usual.

Without a second thought, she shifted her footing a fraction of a hair and adjusted her blade just enough to allow Ben's to come slashing towards her left calf, knocking her off her feet and sending her body crashing to the floor along with her saber. The adjustments had been subtle enough she doubted their master would notice or think them intentional, and she instantly feigned disappointment so that her thoughts would not betray her. Ben, however, was not so easily fooled. She immediately saw triumph change to recognition, recognition to disappointment, and disappointment to rage, as he leaned down to offer her his hand.

 _Let it go. Let it go you stubborn bantha. Take the victory and move on,_ she thought to herself as she got to her feet, fists clenched and eyes wide. She knew she'd been foolish to think her deceit would go unnoticed by him. He knew her like the back of his own hand, and she him.

"You let me win," he accused her pointedly, his saber clattering to the floor.

"I did no such thing," she lied through her teeth.

"No. You did." She saw her movements replaying through his mind. "I've run these moves with you a thousand times Wynette. I would know if something was off."

His use of her full name was not lost on her. "Maybe I just made a mistake Ben! It clearly isn't out of the realm of possibilities today," she retorted, crudely referencing out his previous errors, "and you don't see me accusing you of going easy!"

The glare that comment earned her pierced straight through her chest. "I can sense your feelings Wynette! I can tell when you've lost focus, and that's not what happened."

She hesitated, knowing she wasn't going to convince him otherwise. "Maybe…" She let out a deep sigh. "Maybe I just thought you needed this one more than I did Ben," she admitted.

"Well you were wrong," he spat out as he roughly brushed past her to exit the dome.

She eyed Jacen apologetically as she stooped to collect the abandoned sabers and hurried to return them to the locker.

"Nettie," she heard Jacen's commanding voice speak behind her.

"I'm sorry Master… I—I don't know what happened today. When we practiced yesterday everything was perfect. But today… something was off. I'm as much to blame as Ben for that, and I shouldn't have handled it the way I did."

"Nettie," Jacen sighed, placing a hand on her shoulder, "we both know the only person who was 'off' today was Ben. What you did out there was out of a desire to help your friend, a quality that, while I would advise you to keep out of the practice ring, I certainly cannot fault you for."

She nodded, turning to face him. "Do you know where his mind was today?"

The expression on Jacen's face told her that if he did, it wasn't something he was willing to share. "I'm not certain, though I have an idea."

She waited for a moment, giving him a chance to say more, but recognizing her master was not going to be more forthcoming, she resigned to figure it out herself. "Well Master, I suppose I'll be on my way then." She pushed past him to exit the dome.

"Nettie, wait. I know you, and I know you're going to go bounding after him to question him until he tells you what's going on, but I strongly suggest you let this one go. He needs space right now, not your incessant chattering in his ear," he said through a slight smirk, letting her know he was slightly joking about the chattering part.

Nettie rolled her eyes. "With all due respect Master, but did it ever occur to you there are ways to comfort someone besides talking?"

Jacen raised his eyebrows, his face slightly reddening. "Nettie, you know the rules about—"

"Ugh no! Gross! Why would you even suggest that?!" she said, looking at him horrified. "I meant I was just going to sit with him for goodness sakes!"

His deep laugh rumbled from his abdomen, and he gave her that curious look she'd yet to identify the meaning behind. "Alright, run along," he conceded, nodding towards the exit. "But don't push him too hard Nettie, ok?"

"Yes Master," she grinned, sprinting to find her friend.

* * *

Nettie winced as her leg scraped against the jagged edge of the rock tunnel she was currently crawling her way through. _Ben better be here_ , she thought to herself as she pushed herself out of the rocky outcropping and onto the stony ledge.

Sure enough, she spied her friend a few meters away sitting on a flat bit of stone, legs crossed and head held high, overlooking the vast expanse of ocean before him. His curly black hair was blowing wildly in the ocean breeze, and his jaw was set firm in concentration. He looked so much older in that moment, and she sensed the seriousness of whatever it was he was facing.

Sitting down silently beside him, she was reminded of the first time he'd shared his secret retreat with her. She had only been training a few weeks, and she'd had a particularly rough day trying to levitate a disc in the training dome. Jacen had told her to break for the day, but she'd refused to leave, determined to stay all night if that's what it took to finally see air between the floor and the underside of that disc. If there was one thing she, her master, and fellow padawan all had in common, it was their stubbornness.

" _You need to separate from the physical,"_ she'd heard Ben's steady voice say behind her.

" _Well obviously,"_ she'd retorted back _. "That's only what I've been trying to do all day."_

" _In that case, best of luck."_

She'd had to learn quickly that while Jacen was often amused by her sarcasm, Ben had little tolerance for it. If she wasn't going to take him seriously, he wasn't going to waste his time on her. It had been infuriating at first, but she'd come to respect it.

" _Ugh. Wait Ben. I'm listening."_

" _You have to literally detach your mind from the physical world around you."_

" _Like meditation?"_

" _In a way. When a Jedi meditates, he loses himself entirely to the beyond, opening himself completely to whatever the force might direct him to see or know or do. You already know your task, so part of your conscious must remain focused and tethered to reality, while the rest of you searches the invisible force for the strength you need to achieve your goal."_

She still remembered how completely stunned she'd been by Ben's words. He'd said no more than a handful of sentences to her since they'd been introduced, but the advice he'd given unsolicited was on par with anything their master had taught her at that point.

" _And when did you become so wise?"_ she'd questioned cheekily, not wanting her stunned silence to go to his head.

" _It's about time you took notice,"_ he'd surprisingly quipped back. _"Now, concentrate."_

She'd taken a deep breath in, released it shakily, scrunched her eyes tight, and reached her right arm out in front of her. She'd imagined the disc rising from the ground over and over. That was her task. Then she'd shifted her focus to the force. But what now? Ben had said to search for the strength, but how? Could she just ask the force for it? Was it that easy? And what should she do once she'd asked? Just wait? She'd suddenly become hyperaware of Ben's presence beside her and the steady sound of his breaths in and out.

" _You're losing focus,"_ he'd said, breaking her of what little concentration she still had.

" _Why is this so difficult for me?!"_ she'd shouted exasperatedly. _"I levitate things I drop or knock over all the time without thinking twice, but the moment I'm asked to do it, suddenly I lack the ability!"_

" _You have the ability Nettie, you're just, overcomplicating things. Here, come with me."_

She'd taken his extended hand and followed him to the very place they sat now.

" _What is this place?"_

" _It's where I come when I need to think or re-center myself. Sit. Now, what do you see?"_

" _Ben, what are we doing?"_

" _Just trust me, ok? What do you see?"_

Reflecting back on that moment now, she realized how easy it had been for her to trust him completely. They'd known each other a handful of weeks, and yet she'd have done most anything he said without hesitation.

" _The ocean."_

" _And what is it doing?"_

" _Being the ocean? I don't know Ben… Can't we just—"_

" _Do you want my help or not Nettie?"_

She remembered sighing exasperatedly and turning her eyes back to the blue and white crests in front of her.

" _It's moving, crashing against the rocks, sending spray everywhere…"_

" _Almost like it were a living thing?"_

" _I suppose."  
_

" _But it's not?"_

" _Of course not."_

 _"Then what's moving it?"_

" _The wind."_

" _And can you see the wind?"  
_

" _No."_

" _Then how do you know it's there?"_

" _I—I feel it, all around me, and I see the results of its movement."_

" _The same can be said of the force,"_ he'd said on a whisper. _"We can't physically see it, but we can sense it moving through us and around us, leaving a visible trail of its presence everywhere we look."_

" _That's beautiful Ben, but what does that have to do with raising a training disc."_

" _Everything. I told you in order to levitate the disc you have to remain grounded in the physical while simultaneously accessing the realm of the force. The seen and the unseen must come together as one."_

" _There can't be a living, breathing ocean without the wind."_

" _Exactly."_

She had closed her eyes then, escaping to a world consisting solely of her, the water below, and the invisible force flowing through them both. Then she'd sensed something pulsing deep in her core. It was subtle, as if it had been there all along, but had gone unnoticed. She'd felt it begin to move, coursing through her veins and sparking out her fingers and toes. Then she'd sensed that same fire swirling beneath her, cresting over the peak of each wave and shattering into a thousand fragments. Suddenly she'd felt a deep pull from the fire within her to be connected to the one below. On instinct, her hand had shot out as if to touch the water, and immediately she'd felt its coolness caress her hand, soothing the fire that still seared the tips of her fingers. And then her eyes had snapped open, reality crashing back into focus.

" _I've never seen someone do it with water alone like that. Well done.,"_ he'd said simply, but the pride in his eyes had given him away.

She'd stared at him in wonder, trying desperately to catch her breath in between gasps of air. _"I just raised water one-hundred feet in the air when half an hour ago I couldn't move a piece of metal six inches, and all you can say is 'well done?!"_

She smiled at the memory of jumping to her feet and smothering him in a hug, something he'd grown accustomed to over the past year but was certainly no fonder of. _"Thank you, Ben. You're a really good teacher,"_ she'd whispered.

" _Yea, well, don't tell anybody."_

* * *

"I admit, I honestly didn't think you'd make it this long."

Nettie started at the sound of his voice and was quickly pulled back to the present. "What, in my training?"

His laugh echoed off the cliffs around them, and made her smile. It wasn't a sound she heard often.

"No, keeping your mouth shut."

"Ha!" she mocked, elbowing him in his side.

They fell back into a steady silence for a moment before he broke it again. "I really thought they'd come."

"Who?"

"My parents."

Parents rarely, if ever, visited their children at the temple, and padawans were only able to go home once a year. Master Skywalker had emphasized the importance of balance when it came to familial attachment. The old masters believed complete separation was key, but Master Luke felt the love and support one's family provided could ground and strengthen a Jedi's skill. He felt that severing one of the most important bonds a person can have, to one's family, biologic or otherwise, would only be to the detriment of the student. Yes, such a connection could be seen as a vulnerability to be taken advantage of, which was something to always be mindful of, but that's where the balance came in. One had to train oneself to never become too attached to anything in life, but one could learn to do so without simply cutting off deeper connections entirely. Humans need deep relationships with their fellow man. They learn from each other. Grow from each other.

"I know they're busy, and I know things aren't great between them right now, but I'm finally going to get my crystal, something they know I've been waiting for my whole life! I just… I thought they'd come."

Ben's parents, the famed Senator Organa and Han Solo had made only a handful of appearances at the temple due to the hectic demands of their public and political lives. And Ben had recently chosen to skip his allotted times to visit home due to his parents' not so public separation and the tension that existed at home.

"She Holo'd you?"

Nettie knew not to ask if his father had written. The relationship between the former smuggler and his only child was complicated to say the least. Han hadn't been shy about his disapproval of Ben's Jedi training. According to Ben it was one of many things he and his father disagreed on, and their strained relationship had only added the cracks in his parents' marriage.

"Yea, last night. She said the same things she always says. 'So sorry we're not going to make it,' 'Busy time at the Senate,' 'Love you,' 'Proud of you,' 'Miss you so much,' 'Wish you could have come home,' 'You look so much like your father'. That kind of stuff. This time she added, 'Can't wait to see your light saber,' so I suppose I should be happy she at least remembered that."

"Did you Holo her back? Did you tell her how much it meant to you to have her here?"

"No," he said bitterly. "It wouldn't have done any good. She still wouldn't have come, and then she would have felt guilty and apologized for being a bad mother, but then she'd have made me feel bad by saying that I could come home more often."

"Why don't you go home?" she asked, regretting the words as soon as they left her mouth.

"You know why I don't Nettie! Because every time I do and he's not there— And then when he **is** there— Well, it's even worse. I'm just tired of getting my hopes up, thinking he will suddenly be excited about my life, and walking away disappointed every time."

"I'm sorry Ben," she said, placing a light hand on his arm. "I'm guessing that's why you were… off today?" she asked tentatively.

"Sort of… I, I'm scared Nettie."

"Of what?" She turned to face him, suddenly deeply concerned for her friend.

"I'm terrified of what I'll become Nettie."

"What are you talking about Ben?"

"It's just—nothing. Forget it. I shouldn't have said anything."

"Ben," she groaned, sensing his walls closing in around him, "Don't shut me out."

"You wouldn't understand Nettie. You _couldn't_ understand," he said, getting up to walk back to the tunnel.

"And why not?" she demanded, chasing after him.

"Because you don't _feel_ this way," he called over his shoulder.

"Feel _what_ way?! And since when did you become an expert on what _I_ feel?"

"Because I know you," he sighed, stopping ahead of her. "Sometimes I think I know you better than I know myself…"

"What's going on Ben? You can tell me," she whispered, placing a light hand on his shoulder. "Please, _please_ tell me. Let me help you."

He turned to face her, and the sorrow in his eyes was clearer than she'd ever seen it before. For once, nearly all his guards were down, and he stood raw and open before her.

"What if you can't…? What if no one can?"

"Let me try."

He was silent for a moment before taking a deep, shuddering breath.

"When I saw that Holo, I was so angry Nettie. I just started breaking things, throwing things, destroying anything and everything I could find. It was like this storm I've been holding in for so long just burst out of me, and I couldn't stop it."

"You were upset Ben, and understandably so. Earning your crystal is one of the most significant days in a Jedi's life! Of _course_ you wanted the most important people in your life there to support you. So you lashed out. Again, understandable. We all have to learn to control our anger."

"But that's the thing Nettie," he said, shaking his head. "I didn't want to control it. I wanted to hurt them." He was whispering now. "I wanted to hurt them like they hurt me."

She was silent, not knowing quite how to respond to this revelation. She understood what it felt like to be disappointed, frustrated, and even angry with someone you loved. But she sensed that this was deeper than that. Jedi should never wish harm on others. Sometimes they had to admit when it was necessary, but they should never wish it.

"I feel so torn all the time," he whispered.

"Torn? Between what?"

"That's the thing Nettie," he sighed exasperatedly. "I don't know exactly… I just, my whole life I've felt like these two opposing—forces were pulling at me. One always tries to keep me anchored here, while the other is always pulling me towards something else, but I'm not sure what. It just feels like I'm constantly being ripped apart. When I gave into my anger last night, I expected to feel guilty afterwards, but I didn't… I felt—free. For the first time in my life, I felt like I could breathe."

Nettie suddenly felt a chill on the back of her neck. Her heart was broken for her friend, and she wanted to tell him that she understood exactly how he felt, that all of this was completely normal. But the truth was, she couldn't. And she wasn't sure this _was_ completely normal. The feelings he was describing were extreme, and certainly not something encouraged by Jedi teachings. In fact, they were quite the opposite.

"Have you discussed any of this with Master Skywalker?" she asked hesitantly.

"No," he admitted, lowering his eyes towards the ocean below. "I don't want him to be… disappointed."

"He won't be disappointed in you Ben. You're more than just a padawan to him; you're his nephew. He cares about you in a way he could never care about me."

"He also has expectations for me he doesn't have for you."

"I think you should talk to him Ben. And if not him, at least Master Syndulla. You're hurting, and you shouldn't have to deal with this all on your own."

"I'm sorry I let all of this screw up the training exhibition," he said, changing the subject. "And I'm sorry I snapped at you when you were just trying to help."

"Apology accepted and mistakes forgiven. Just stop trying to keep everyone out ok? Me and Jacen, we're here for you, alright? We're in this together. I know you think you have to be strong and do it all on your own, but you don't, and we don't want you to. Sometimes the strongest thing you can do is admit when you are weak."

"Who'd you get that one from? Skywalker?" he laughed.

"My mother actually. I definitely got my own stubbornness from her."

They were silent for a moment, and she found herself wishing she could stop time and stay here talking with him forever. She knew as complicated as things might seem at present, they would only get more convoluted as time went by. Though she had barely been with them a year, it was already difficult to imagine a day when she wouldn't have Jacen and Ben by her side. But she knew it would come, so she vowed to take advantage of moments like these as much as she could, cherishing them forever.

"Nettie?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't mention any of this to anyone, especially Jacen, ok. I'll tell him when I'm ready."

"Ok. I won't, just promise me you'll talk to him eventually."

"I— I promise."


End file.
